JNS Exclusive: Slummy Communication Intercepted by Hawthorne Hawkman

Photos by Hawthorne Hawkman, as he watches Slummy Squirrel

by Jordan Neighbor
JNS Guest Blogger

(Caution: parody ahead)

The JNS blog is in receipt of an intercepted communique between Mr. Slummy and his new sidekick, Slummy the Squirrel.
The text of the message is here below, for all to see:
***************************

I was going through the neighborhood one day, looking for a place to hide my nuts for the winter, when lo and behold I came across a hole to China. It was clear something slummy was going on, and I wanted in. I started snooping around the place, but it was clear that residents were watching the house--like a HAWK. The neighborhood called city inspectors and stopped Mr. Slummy, but only for a little while.

Anytime somebody goes up against the city of Minneapolis, that shows it's a PERFECT place for nuts, so I kept on going back to the property located at 2515 3rd St N. Mr. Slummy has left this structure open to the elements since April! Can you imagine how many nuts I've got hidden in there now? AND look how BIG he's made it! I can fit ALL MY NUTTY FRIENDS in there, if only the city will let him get it built by the time winter comes.

Here's the latest news from Mr. Slummy's nuthouse: There was a stop work order placed on it from the city because he didn't pull the proper permits. All he wants to do is cram as many nuts into as huge a structure as possible. Who knew you had to get permits for something like that? Also, he apparently didn't pick up a lot of the debris around the place, and the city has told him he needs to pick up debris from around the dumpsters.

Oh, and one of my friends told me that inside the building, there are five bathtubs waiting to be hooked up! FIVE!!!!! You could put a LOT of nuts in a building that has five bathtubs. Only time will tell if Mr. Slummy will be able to fill his place up with nuts.

(End of Parody Alert)

At the Heart of the City picnic last Friday, residents took a tour of the neighborhood and visited Mr. Slummy's mansion. It was there that the stop work order and order to pick up debris was noted. Neighbors also saw five bathtubs inside the structure, presumably visible from the exterior. One person pointed out that they believed five units was the maximum amount allowed for section 8 rentals of this size. However, the area remains zoned only for 1-2 units and no variance has yet been granted. Thank goodness the city of Minneapolis and the Hawthorne Hawkman are on the job!

(Do not click "Read More" but Do be on the lookout for Slummy the Squirrel)